i realized something

just now.  I think this whole time I've been totally unmotivated, it's been raining.  Sure, there's a lot going on and I've been stressed but it's also been raining almost every day.  I'm so tired of the rain.  That being said, let's move on to the other thing keeping me unmotivated... stress.  I was supposed to go to a pre-op appointment this morning but I cancelled.  I asked my doctor to reschedule my surgery to November for a few reasons.  I haven't heard back but I sure hope it's doable.  I know it might seem crazy to schedule a surgery that'll have me in bed for a while right before Thanksgiving but I think it'll work out better that way.  It also gives me more time to get stuff done and ready.  I told Cosme he might have to cook the Thanksgiving meal and he's fine with that.  I'll help as much as I can but there's always the chance that I can't.  I really hope it all works out.  Also, just to be on the safe side, our Christmas tree will go up before surgery.  I don't care if it's scheduled for November 1.  I cannot risk not being able to put the Christmas tree up.  I'll have it up on Halloween if necessary.  I could just put it off until I'm recovering so that Cosme would have to do it but it's the Christmas tree and that's when my control-freak comes out big time.  So as nice as it would be to sit back on the couch while I direct and point at what needs to go where, wait... maybe the tree doesn't have to be perfect.  Maybe one year of me not doing it won't be horrible.  I don't know.  I talk a good talk but when it comes down to it, I won't be able to stop myself.  There's no way I can direct him on getting that bow arranged up top.  It might not matter.  The doctor could call back today and tell me how I messed up and should've kept the October appointment because now she can't do surgery until days before Christmas.  Nope.  No can do.  Looks like surgery will have to wait.  Christmas is more important than surgery.  Then again, after paying for surgery, there might not be much to Christmas.

Now that Negative Nelly has voiced her opinion, I'll try to end this on a positive note.

- Yes, it's been raining every day but it wasn't in the form of a hurricane.
- Planning for surgery is a hassle but it's an option.
- I could put our Christmas tree up right now if I wanted to.

Now I'm off to look for motivation somewhere.

I have officially

gone into shut down mode. I talked to my doctor yesterday and am having surgery in a out a month. Until then, I will be a bundle of nerves. It's fun. Shut down mode involves zoning out and only focusing on worrying, crying, nausea, diarrhea, zero motivation, and lots of sleeping.

This sucks so bad. I hate it. I wish they didn't have to tell me everything. I wish there was no prep stuff. I wish they could just surprise me, knock me out, and do it.

Ugh.

Where's a time machine when I need it? I need December. Stat.